Marching On
by Andromeda Luna
Summary: There are many sides and stories to be told in a war. This is the life of a soldier, near the edge of giving up only to be brought back again by the most unlikely of them all. "I am far from being an angel, but if you allow me, I want to be your saviour." YULLEN. MILDLY OOC
1. Prologue

**AN: OKAY, SO IF YOU PEOPLE ARE READING THIS BECAUSE OF MY PJO FANFICS THEN:**

**Be my guest and read on, do not be hindered by the fact that this is an anime fan fiction because anime rocks and is cool. **

**And if you are here to simply read my story, then I am more than pleased to welcome your presence. **

**Just saying, this will be a multi-chaptered fanfic, not a one-shot. AND IS **_**YAOI**_**. **

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN D. GRAY MAN, FOR IF I DID, I WOULD GIVE IT TO ALL MY FAVOURITE -MAN FANFIC AUTHORS AND TELL THEM TO MAKE THE YULLEN HOT. WHICH HAS NOT HAPPENED AS OF LATE, HENCE THE FACT THAT I IN FACT, DO NOT OWN -MAN.**

**ENJOY, MY BABIES. **

* * *

When people talk about war, I don't know why, but they like to use a lot of numbers.

They make it seem like loss can be measured by following a simple formula, and that when its numbers do not amount to much, what is there to worry for? Only a handful died. Only a handful have suffered.

And for them, a handfuls of lives are not of any importance.

When people are in a war, they like to see it from a certain point of view. The "right" way. For them, it is black and white. They're bad, we're good. If you are one of them, you are _bad_. Send the bombs, they would say, the civilians are the ones who we are aiming for, after all.

And they still think that they are good.

When in a war, the higher-ups would only need to wave a hand and move his troops around on a map coloured differently with the colours marking different territories. And if you watch as they push a whole squadron of troops to the frontline to be massacred with nothing other than sadistic pleasure and ease within their expressions, you can do nothing but wonder if this is all a game to them.

Soldiers are but pawns in their game of chess, and they mean absolutely nothing.

If they have lives? Of no use to our victory. If they have families? Only something to threaten them with. If they die? They are but tools.

And with all the burdens, faux smiles and mock concern, I realise that there are no good and bad sides in a war. There is no black and white.

Just a lot of shades of grey.

* * *

I have lived my life for the sake of others. My left hand for demons and my right for humans. But as he would often ask, with more bite than courteous, what about yourself, do you not care for yourself?

It is snowing when he asks this as if he honestly does not understand my martyr-like choices and way of life. But I do not see it that way, not anymore, no. There is a line between risking your life and choosing to throw it away for your own reasons. I think my line of thinking has shifted more to the latter.

And I stop what I am doing, my hands freezing up as I let my fingertips brush down and fall from the fragile spines of the books on the musty bookshelves. I turn and smile, not daring to look into raging cobalt seas, because I think that is all I can manage before I begin to step away.

I can stand alone. I do not need him.

I pause in my thoughts. _A voice giggles, bordering on the brink of insanity, __Have you forgotten__, it seems to mock, you are not pure. You are not __strong__. My heart clenches and a laugh echoes within my head alone._ I am a Noah. A heretic. A pawn. A _traitor_. **filthy**.

He does not need me.

I feel his icy gaze on my back and I shiver as the cold wraps around me in an unwelcome manner, sweeping me away from the only one that might be able to understand. And my leaden feet drag me away from him, treading the path _that soft rays of dazzlingly warm and cool hues of light shining through magnificently crafted glass windows have paved for me._

**So, why do I feel so cold? **

* * *

Our encounter in the library has led me to wonder and realise that I would not mind loving and being loved. And even now, as I lay alone on the surface of my floor, staring into the darkness user my bed, I think it would be quite refreshing and relatively warm compared to the dull ache that now envelops my chest.

My dull blanket lays forgotten in the corner of the room, as I continue lying on the floor, letting the chill of the tiles seep into my skin.

I pretend not to be able to see a looming dark figure mouth open wide in mirthless laughs staring back at me.

I pretend not to be able to see the cracked surface of the mirror.

I pretend not to be able to see me in it.

* * *

**AN: someone kill me, the angst is like a freaking boulder here. SOOOOOO, what'd you think? Sorry if the writing style's kind of messed up, that's kind of how I write so it's hard for me to do otherwise. And I'm sorry if it's just plain bad/short/confusing/shitty/all of the above because my writing isn't that good. *hands up in surrender* I surrender. Hold your peace. **

**So, this is also my first time writing an anime fanfic and a -Man fanfic of all things because this was like my first ever true die-hard anime fandom. Which I still cannot get over because I can't just forget/move on from a fandom because my soul does not permit it. I hope you review because I'm not really sure how this tuned out and I'm hoping for happy thoughts, XD**

**AND, this fanfic will be pretty long, chapter-wise maybe 5-10 chapters, depends on how I go with the timing and everything and maybe it could go as short as 3 chapters only. Also, since this story is pretty fun to write and since I'm completely on IDFK mind block from my PJO fanfics I will be updating every other day. **

**So, review, give suggestions and all that jazz too. 333 **

**Allen will steal all soba from Kanda and Jerry and give it to you if you review! (and a cookie) **

**Love you guys, and see you soon!**

**-Andromeda Luna**


	2. Who We Are

**AN: This is me updating after a few **_**days**_**, which pretty much never happens. :DDD So, yeah. Warning, all the angst and everything and thank you to those who followed/read and reviewed this even if it's pretty messed up. **

**And to NOMNOMBUNNYWILLEATYOURSOUL who reviewed, **

**YOU CAN HUG ALLEN, *Brings Allen* THANKS FOR REVIEWING!**

**I hope you guys like this chapter. :))) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own -Man, only the laptop in my hands. **

**Song for this chapter: Who We Are by Switchfoot which I don't own either. But which you should so listen to. XD **

_**Chapter 1: Who We Are **_

The war has taken its toll on all of us.

The days seem drabber and grayer, and I'm not quite sure whether time has sped up or slowed down, as it seems that every day has started to feel like a burden.

Being a critical meant that more than a fair share of work had ben handed to me to be done, and it didn't help that my body was being worn down from the sheer amount of power I was using but not recovering.

Being a critical also meant me being alone more, and I'm not quite sure whether or not I should be thankful; being around others has started to wear me down, little by little, the mindless chatter coming from my own lips disgusting to my ears because it made me see how meaningless my life has become It made it even more obvious that there _was_ a war, and it needed to be fought. But, goddamn, if I wasn't tired of fighting.

* * *

I don't think I've ever felt so dead in my life.

On the streets, as a child, I fought to survive. Every waking day started with the remembrance of the fact that the only thing that needed to be done was to live for another more day. One more. One more. That was my life.

After Mana had died, it was about moving forward. Putting one foot in front of the other because I had promised, it was only right. That was my purpose.

But, now. After feeling so at home in the Order, life has come to remind me that no, it wasn't going to last forever. And as the ones I have called family begin to push me away, as the gates that have welcomed me so warmly before have been slammed in my face, I think that maybe, I'm a little more than lost.

* * *

I've been thinking about love the past few days, and I have come to a realisation.

I don't think Kanda Yuu likes me, or has ever liked me, really. He's the kind of man who stands fierce and tall, in the face of all those who defy him.

I don't defy him, do I?

Okay, maybe a little.

And. . .

Maybe a little more than a little.

But, he's not friendly at all, and I have come to actually like that about him, even though he may still despise me. I am glad that Kanda is the way he is, because his aloof behaviour gave me something to grasp onto in the ever-changing environment and situations that this war has forced us through. It brought me comfort to know that no matter how bad things could be, no matter how odd and unseemly things could get, Kanda would be right beside me muttering about stupid martyrs and stupid bean sprouts.

The others like Lavi and Lenalee always come to me with a big smile on their faces, and after a mild exchange of words and perhaps a short walk around the Order, I bid them farewell and see as their expressions start to falter as they walk away, like they are forcing themselves to be happy around me.

And I wonder if things have really gotten that bad.

But, Kanda hasn't changed a bit. He still has that ever-present angry scowl on his porcelain features, and he still doesn't give a fuck about me. He still walks with his shoulders back and muscles taut, like he's expecting some flying ninja to try to slice his head off every single moment of the day. He still has his beautiful blue eyes that I can't help but adore. We still argue, like we used to. And he still curses me for being a goddamn stupid bean who loves to fly around the world spreading cheer and love to everyone, _God, Kanda, I'm an exorcist who saves, not some rainbow-coloured Care Bear. _He does not hide what he is thinking. His behaviour that is still mostly genuine around me is keeping me sane, honestly, because it reminds me that there is one thing in my life that has yet to change.

Though, now there is tension in the air, and when our usual fickle banters have ended, we often find ourselves looking at each other, cobalt into sterling silver, like we're trying to find out the other's secrets.

_What are you hiding? ,_ we both seem to ask. Then, the meeting is gone as fast as it came. And we part ways once more, with something new, something different, stirring in my chest when I think about his intense gaze and his beautiful cerulean eyes.

As, the older exorcist walks away, I can see his hesitant footsteps as he leaves, and before he turns the corner leading to the dining hall, I can't help but wonder if of all people, the love that I long for will come from him.

For some, this would be a weird thing to think about in the middle of a war, after all, who cares for love in the expanse of tragedy that this world has never seemed to go on without. Especially, from Kanda.

He is not kind, nor sensitive nor is he the ideal lover, but he is the only thing keeping me grounded to the Earth, he is the only thing that has kept me thinking that maybe, somebody has seen what I am going through, and maybe they're not just going to stare, for if he wasn't here, I would have died long ago, in more ways than one.

* * *

The next time we really talk, it is because of the Noah.

He's more active, and now he has started to control my dreams, taking away my solace in the hell that is called my life. He has become more arrogant and confident, and it has become harder and harder to hold him back.

We are on a mission when it happens. I can feel the transformation starting, slowly, but surely. And when I wake up from a nightmare, I am met with a shock of startling brilliantly blue eyes.

He glares at me, leaning against the wall of the moderately sized hotel room, my eyes linger over his unsheathed katana that let off an Innocence-induced hum that resounded throughout the room, its light easily being the brightest thing in the room, after all, the sun was only beginning to rise. The mission had been simple, and it was odd to some on why I didn't just go alone, or have Link go with me, but Komui insisted on me being with Kanda, with Kanda acting as my supervisor. We just had to kill off a few demons in the area, investigate for possible Innocence, then return. And it had been simple, just a couple of level twos and ones and no Innocence involved, just a town with more grief than its worth.

"So," I begin, my breaths soft as I take in my surroundings and calm my heart after the terrifying trip down memory lane.

Cobalt eyes narrow, "So, you _don't_ know?"

I blink, mercury pools of confusion paired with my cautious tone makes Kanda grunt in affirmation before moving from his position against the wall towards my figure on the single bed that was the centre of the room.

"…What?.. What happened? Did I do something?" I mull over the recent things that I've done, searching for something that might have irritated the brazen samurai, but coming up with nothing. He watches me think and when I finally meet his eyes again, he sees the blank look and scowls.

"The 14th, bean," he snaps. "It took over your body, wrecked the damn place and tried to kill me."

My eyes widen in surprise, "The.. 14th? _What_? That's impossible, I wasn't aware of it _at all!—Wait. It-It tried to kill you? Are you hurt? I-I'm sorry—"_

"_Well, of course, you weren't aware of it! _Your body was taken over, dumbass. Were you aware of what was happening at all? You need to try to control it, bean, if that CROW had been here, who knows what might happen to you—_Wait_. Allen! Are you even paying attention to me?"

My eyes are wide in horror, as I realise only then the state of the room that we were in. The desk had been smashed to smithereens and strew across the room, with nothing to its design. The mirrors jagged remains lie abandoned on the scratched and worn floor, its sharp edges glittering menacingly in the dim light of the sunrise. The bed's sheets were ripped to shreds, the cloth torn as though no thought had been put into it at all, which was probably the case.

And Kanda, _Kanda _was bleeding_. _He wore his coat over his bare chest, not bothering to button it up, which meant that I could see his bare chest, with a freshly applied bandage covering his abdomen. He was hurt.

_I hurt him. _

_I drew my knees closer to my chest and drew in a breath, tears streaming from mercury eyes. _

"…_Forgive me, Kanda. I'm __**sorry**__"_

I need to get away. If I stay any longer, who knows what I might do. I might end up actually killing someone. I'm just going to burden them, I know how they feel around me, I can see how they doubt my loyalties, I see how they look at me, some with disgust, and some with surprise and realisation. They are disgusted with my weakness and incapability to ward off the Noah. I don't blame them for thinking such things, because that's how I feel too. I really need to leave, don't I.

The Noah's laugh echoed in my mind.

_Do you think running away will stop me? What good would it do you? I mean, it's all the same to me, but where's your logic, are you seriously still thinking about your 'friends' at the Order? Give me a few days, they'll all be dead. And the other Noah, I absolutely despise them, they're just like dogs, but they can get work done too. It might be fun, don't you think? And if I kill them in your body, well, can you imagine the look on their faces? And they'll just be screaming at you to get a grip of yourself, to fight. _

_**I will win, I won't let you take over. **_

_But you've already lost, Allen. I'm just getting stronger, and you're just getting , tell me, Allen, who shall be our first victim? See? I'm even going to let you pick. _

_**Don't. **_

_How about the annoying girl with the crystal type Innocence, I'm thinking we tear her apart limb by limb and letting the older brother watch. _

_**Not Lenalee, shut up. Stop it. LEAVE. **_

_Or the Bookman apprentice, let him watch them all die, and breaking his mind in the process, he can do the job himself. Or, how about the long-haired one? Kanda, was it?_

_**LEAVE THEM ALONE. RUIN ME, JUST… **__**NOT THEM**__**. **__**NOT HIM**__**. **_

_That won't be any fun. How about we play with Kanda for a little while? I wonder if he's a screamer, he sure does look feisty though, I think I'll enjoy him. _

_**I let out a frustrated sob, "DON'T TOUCH HIM." **_

_**The Noah laughed. **_

_Warm arms enveloped me and pulled me back against a sturdy chest. _

_Kanda spoke, "…Calm down. It's…It's okay, I'll be here, come on. Deep breaths, you'll be fine. __I'm here for you__." _

I didn't really realise I was crying until warm hands wiped them away. I looked up at Kanda and his eye twitched.

I laughed for the first time in days and it twitched even more,"Shut up. I'm doing this just because I can't sleep properly with you sobbing and screaming entire time. And I don't even know how to do these things, I'm really just—"

"Thank you, Kanda." I murmured and he stopped mid-sentence, looking down at me. I smiled in response to his light scowl.

"You better be thankful, brat."

I laughed again and closed my eyes, letting the warmth envelop me.

* * *

_**They said it's complicated**_

_**They said we'd never make it this far**_

_**But we are**_

_**They said the fight would break us**_

_**But the struggle helped to make**_

_**Who we are**_

* * *

**AN: WOAH IT'S A CHAPTER. *SPAZZES* I LOVE YOU ALL, MY BAES. SEE YOU NEXT CHAPTER!**

**-ANDROMEDA LUNA**


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